


One Hundred Reasons to Love You

by JenoTheSamoyed



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Crushes, Don’t worry it’s edited now :), Getting Together, His stuffed bunny is cute, I’m sorry nana, M/M, Me projecting my compulsions :/, Na Jaemin-centric, Nanadoongies where r u at?, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Renjun is my emotional support kpop boy, Sad Na Jaemin, Sexuality Crisis, Supportive Huang Renjun, What do you mean this is unedited, Worried dreamies, brief panic attack, but I didn’t include my intrusive thoughts cuz i don’t wanna share those obscenities, but also fluff, i was sad without jaemin content or updates but then his relay cam made me happy :), implied/referenced ocd, mental health, renjun best boy, routines, sleepy, there are good and bad numbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28819836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenoTheSamoyed/pseuds/JenoTheSamoyed
Summary: Renjun helps Jaemin to reach one hundred.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88





	One Hundred Reasons to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna appear on ao3 every now and again just to project my feelings, so don’t mind me :)
> 
> Also, can someone get me a Renjun please?

One.

Two. 

Three.

Four.

Five.

Jaemin's eyelids begin to droop dangerously close to him falling asleep and his head has not long hit the pillow. 

Eleven.

Twelve.

Thirteen.

He has barely started his nightly routine and his mind already wants to shut down into a slumber. He glares at his alarm clock with more intent, willing his eyes to stay open. Just a few more minutes.

Twenty-two.

Twenty-three.

Counting the times the colon between the numbers on his alarm clock flashes is a pain, but it has to be done. It just does. He doesn't know why, nor can he remember when it started. The routine probably began with him counting the flash each second whilst he was bored, then his brain decided it would be another cruel way to torture him. Another routine to keep things consistent. And to prevent bad things from happening. 

Thirty-eight.

Thirty-nine.

Wait, thirty-nine? He definitely skipped a few numbers there.

Forty-two... or is it forty-four?

Jaemin has utterly lost count now. Clutching his toy rabbit closer to his chest, he waits for the time to change from 11:37 to 11:38 so he can begin counting again. The bright numbers are burning his exhausted eyes.

It's been a long day with too many schedules and too many conversations and too many hours and he longs for sleep. But he hasn't counted to a hundred yet.

The time flicks on to the next minute before he is ready. He misses it. Jaemin guesses he'll have to wait yet another minute. 

Maybe he can just count in his head. He rolls over, now facing the wall and still with his bunny, then starts from one. The numbers tumble off his tongue in a pained whisper.

But he doesn't know if the time has reached 11:39 yet. It shouldn't matter because he is not counting the seconds anymore, just the numbers as quickly as possible to just allow himself to sleep. It does matter, however. Not knowing plagues his mind. He rolls back over, blinks and peeks at the time. 

11:42? How did that happen?

Now that he can watch the seconds tick by with each flash, his mind is comforted. It is much better to count along with the clock. 

Okay, back to one. 

"Jaemin-hyung?" There is a knock at his door when he reaches sixty-seven and Jisung's voice travels through the wood and into his ears, disrupting his routine.

"Come in." He croaks out. His throat is dry. He wants to sleep.

The maknae pads into the room and stops at his desk.

"I've got the charger that I borrowed." He sheepishly brings the named item out from behind his back and places it neatly down next to Jaemin's computer. It doesn’t curl properly and then the end hangs off the edge of the desk, swinging unevenly and Jaemin clenches a fist. 

"Thanks, Ji." Jaemin says in a quiet voice, but it is the loudest he can muster. Jisung hesitates before leaving.

"You're not mad? I borrowed it from you weeks ago." Jisung says. Jaemin notices that he is still in his day clothes and wants to scold him for not getting ready for bed, yet bites his tongue, knowing that Jisung could say exactly the same thing back to him. 

Because he isn't ready for bed yet, either. 

It's now 11:45 and he hasn't reached one hundred. 

"No. Don't worry." Jaemin smiles weakly. Jisung frowns and from his expression Jaemin can tell that his smile did nothing to convince him.

"Is everything okay, hyung?" Jisung asks. The older senses an air of caution behind his words and buries his face in his rabbit toy. 

"Is Junnie still up?" He asks. Jisung confirms that he is and now that he thinks about, Jaemin can hear the faint murmuring of the television. His thoughts had been too loud to hear it before. "Can you get him for me? Please?"

"I'll send him in." Jisung nods with encouragement for Jaemin and his eyes sparkle with pity. Renjun is the only person who can help Jaemin when he is this stuck in his mind. "Goodnight, hyung."

Jaemin goes back to staring at his alarm clock. This time, he doesn't count the seconds. He's just given up. Given in to the hurricane, which is conducted by the voice in his head and likes to shout and punish him for doing things wrong. Sometimes he'll do something that he does all the time but it'll suddenly be wrong and a strict routine for it will be put into place to ensure that he doesn't make that mistake again. 

Jaemin rearranges his duvet. His left foot brushes against the wall and he freezes. Not now. Please not now. 

He closes his eyes but the longer he spends breathing the more he feels the irritation seep through him. His right foot itches. If he doesn’t even it out, his family could die. Or the members. 

Cursing, he rolls over so that he can let the same part of his right foot hit the wall with the same pressure and for the same length of time as his left foot did. Everything has to be the same. 

But it hits the wall with more force. He struggles, twisting and turning to furiously try to get both feet even. Breathing is becoming more difficult and everything hurts. He feels stupid for even obsessing over it in the first place. Why couldn't he just ignore it and move on? Sure, the wall is cold against his skin, but it shouldn't cause any more discomfort than that. 

It all becomes too much. He lobs his rabbit toy across the room and watches how it bounces off the wall and tumbles to the ground through teary eyes. His arms are now empty and his fingers have nothing to do except tug at his hair. 

"Minnie." 

The voice brings air into his lungs. It is sweet and understanding. He feels the bed dip when Renjun sits next to him, and then his warm hands are tugging his own away from his hair and down to where their fingers can intertwine. 

"I'm here." Renjun speaks slowly and quietly. Jaemin shakes his head, still stuck in the vicious cycle of trying to simultaneously stop himself from counting and kicking the wall. 

Renjun peels the blanket away and rests his hands on Jaemin's legs. When they still, he squeezes gently and leans to appear in Jaemin's line of sight. 

"Jaemin, breathe." 

It is easier said than done, but he finally succeeds in following Renjun's instructions and controls his inhales and exhales. 

"Well done, baby." Renjun praises him with a kiss on his forehead and Jaemin smiles properly, an entire galaxy in his eyes and pearly teeth and his stomach flutters. "Would you like to talk about it?" 

Jaemin contemplates. He is sure that Renjun knows what is on his mind. It’s always the same thing. 

"Mmh." He hums. Renjun guides his head down onto the pillow, replaces the duvet then goes to pick up the rabbit. 

"How did it get over here?" Renjun asks with a raised eyebrow and passes the toy to Jaemin. He then fiddles with the charger so that the cable is curled in the way Jaemin likes it. It’s the little things that put his mind to rest, and it’s the little things that Renjun knows.

"Can't remember." Jaemin speaks through a yawn. He looks at the clock again and spots an illuminated 11:53 before Renjun steps in front of it to block it from his view. 

"None of that. Don't listen to your head." Renjun scolds lightly as he then sinks down under the covers next to Jaemin. 

"But it's hard not to." Jaemin whines. He wriggles his toes, three seconds on each foot, then repeats with his fingers. Renjun is respectful and doesn't speak during the routine to sadly watch instead. 

"I know it's hard." He whispers when Jaemin nuzzles his head back against his shoulder. “What number did you get to?”

"Forgot. Can we count?" Jaemin asks. He is ashamed and embarrassed, so Renjun nods and smiles brightly. Under the dim lighting, the younger isn't sure if his eyes are ringed by bags or shadows. Either way, he feels guilty for preventing Renjun from sleeping. 

So they count. Out loud, with Renjun putting up his fingers as they go and leading Jaemin through it. He much prefers it when he isn't alone. 

And they reach one hundred. 

*･゜ﾟ･*:*･゜ﾟ･*

Renjun is still there when he wakes up. His fingers stroke slowly through his hair and Jaemin sighs happily. 

"Good morning." Renjun whispers into his ear. Jaemin giggles, then frowns. 

"Morning." He says in his gravelly voice, even drier now after hours of not being used. "Can you do the other side, please?" His face stays buried in his rabbit until Renjun follows through. He is grateful that he doesn't question the request.

"Better?" 

"Yes, thank you, Junnie." Jaemin smiles and shifts around to get comfy. 

"Sorry, but we have to get up." Renjun pulls back the duvet just when there is a huge crash from the kitchen. “That’ll be Jeno.” He mutters and Jaemin laughs again. 

He senses the others watching him as he picks at his breakfast. One thing at a time. Each different food separately. The egg first. Then he washes his face three times, followed by his hands. Everyone else has already finished getting ready, with their shoes on at the door and waiting for him to emerge, but they don’t say anything. Jaemin isn’t sure if he likes that or not. He needs someone to save him from his mind. 

Believe it or not, he doesn’t enjoy his routines. Yes, they provide him with a moment of relief before the next one kicks in, but it is far from just being a perfectionist. It has been like it for as long as he can remember. The days come and go, some obsessions and compulsions stay, some leave, but a lot join in with the taunting in his brain. His intrusive thoughts torment him and leave him horrified that his own mind is capable of even conjuring such obscenities. 

He follows the rest of his members out to the car, not forgetting to count the stairs. The number never changes, but he has to make sure. To be consistent. 

Coffee drags him through dance practice and they are given the afternoon off as a reward. All they choose to do is laze around at home, so their manager drives them back to the dorm. 

“I just find it interesting how...” Jaemin mumbles to himself. What’s interesting? He doesn’t know. 

Chenle gives him a quizzical expression, so he turns away to stare out the window and bites his lips to shut himself up. He repeats the same phrases over and over. Sometimes even full conversations play out in his head and they fall out of his mouth when he is especially buried in his brain. It is as though he is practising them, getting them absolutely perfect in case that topic ever comes up. 

“What do you want me to do?” He asks, slightly louder this time and he buries his face in his hands when the rest of the group all turn to look at him. They’re probably staring because he put too much emphasis on the fourth word. He’s not crazy. He’s not crazy. He’s not crazy. 

“Jaemin?”

He finds that blinking each time a streetlight passes the window is good way to distract his mind. However he knows that it’ll only become a new routine for him. 

The streetlights stop and are replaced by the outside of their building. He taps his seatbelt thrice before unbuckling it, steps out onto the pavement with his right foot first, then closes the door. The pressure is slightly wrong, so he opens it and tries again. That was better. He is about to turn away but the voice in his head scolds him. Two is a bad number. An awful, terrible, forbidden number. 

“Jaemin?”

He slams the door one final time, then turns to face Jeno. His eyebrows are creased with concern and the sudden stern expression makes him shrink his shoulders. 

“Yeah?” He grunts out, traipsing up the front path and then up the stairs. Jeno scurries after him. 

“I’m worried about you.” Jeno admits. Jaemin pauses outside their front door, which is still open from the others’ entry. 

“So am I.” Jaemin mutters. 

They watch a movie in the end. It is nice to escape for an hour and a half and immerse himself in a character he wishes he could be. They don’t seem to have his problems. They can live without a running commentary on everything he says and does. But it’s a romance, which doesn’t help. 

Being an idol and all, he’s never really put much thought into dating. Or his sexuality, for that matter. As soon as he walked through the fancy, glass doors of SM Entertainment, he vowed to keep that out of his mind. It would only distract him from improving his dance and vocals. 

But what about that time he was staring at Renjun during dance practice? He widens his eyes at the memory. Renjun’s white t-shirt was stuck to his chest from the sweat and his cheeks were dusted pink. In a nutshell, he looked tiny and cute but also incredibly hot. In both senses. 

Jaemin pinches his arm. 

Is he gay?

Surely not. But it’s perfectly possible. What are the statistics? One in three? One in ten?

He looks around the room. The other members are sprawled across the sofa and the beanbags, all watching the screen with intent, oblivious to the battle in their friend’s mind. Jaemin gets the urge to do a thorough mental check.

Mark. He has never mentioned anything about dating or his preferences. Renjun is gay, though. Jaemin clearly remembers how he came out to him - shaky voice and eyes staring at the floor and fingers wringing together. They hugged after. It was nice. He pinches his skin again when he realises he is fantasising about Renjun. Moving on. Jeno has mentioned bisexuality before. It wasn’t really a coming out, he is sure. It was just a comment about what percentage of the population is estimated to be bisexual. Wait. Was that him trying to come out in a more subtle way? 

Jaemin’s breath catches in his throat. He looks at Jeno, who is leaning his head on Haechan’s chest and smiling at the screen. Jaemin is suddenly paranoid that he missed the true meaning behind his words. He is a bad friend. The voice tells him so. He has to count to fifty forwards and backwards before he can continue. 

Haechan claims to be straight. But the entire group has seen the way he pines after Mark. Yet he also squeals over literally any girl group and gushes about how beautiful they all are. Jaemin doesn’t have any experience with relationships, but he can certainly tell that that is not straight. Perhaps he is just Marksexual. He nearly snorts with laughter at himself for mentally cracking that joke. Luckily none of the others realise. 

Chenle dated a girl for a grand total of three weeks last year. And Jisung has never mentioned anything of the topic. He’d have to look up the statistics, but considering that there is one confirmed in their group, that could minimise the chances of him being gay. 

But it’s Renjun. Renjun who always captures his attention and dotes on him and allows him to cry in his arms and open up to him. He is the only person he has fully told. The others have an idea, because how could they miss some of his compulsions? 

From then on, every time he catches himself staring at a guy, whether that be a member or a manager or some random stranger on the street, the voice in his head reminds him of the possibilities. 

He does some research. How do I know if I’m gay? What does pansexual mean? Am I gay quiz. Am I LGBTQ+ quiz. 

There is a moderate chance that you are gay. 

Jaemin quits out of the tab and shuts down his computer. Enough of that for now. 

It’s time for another sleepless night of counting and tapping the mattress. 

*･゜ﾟ･*:*･゜ﾟ･*

After a whole week of staring at Renjun and then adamantly looking away, he decides that he does indeed have a crush on him. 

When it is just the two of them in the dorm, he sits at his desk and logs in and out of youtube a million times. Well, thirty-two times. But it feels like a million. Something is telling him that he is not doing it right, but he has no idea how he could be doing it wrong in the first place. A compilation of Renjun moments pops up in his recommended on the thirty-third time and he clicks on it without thinking. 

It’s funny. He finds himself smiling and forgetting all his other worries for the whole ten minutes of the video. It is a nice number, so he feels satisfied when it finishes. Another reminder about his crush on his bandmate and best friend. Renjun makes him happy without even trying. 

“Jaemin, can I come in?” Renjun’s voice outside the room forces him to close the page and spring onto his bed. He calls for him to enter, and Renjun closes the door behind him again which is weird, considering that it is just the two of them. 

“Hey.” Jaemin says as nonchalantly as possible. He now pays a lot of attention to the fluttering in his stomach when Renjun sits close enough for him to get a whiff of his cologne. 

“I want to talk to you now that we’re alone.” Renjun begins and Jaemin clears his throat, panic rising. Does he know that he has a crush on him? “Sorry. I don’t want to worry you. Maybe I shouldn’t have started the conversation like that.” He rubs his cheek with the palm of his hand. Jaemin pats his knee, three times with each hand. Renjun appreciates the gesture. 

“It’s okay.” Jaemin shifts to cross his legs and fiddles with the ears of his bunny. 

“I want to help you.” Renjun breathes out. They make eye contact. 

Renjun’s eyes are dark and deep and so, so beautiful. Jaemin scolds himself for thinking that when the conversation is actually nothing to do with crushes or getting together. He tries not to look disappointed. 

“What do you mean?” He asks nervously. He knows what Renjun means. 

“I think you should go and get checked out. These compulsions are really starting to affect your day to day functioning, Jaemin. It can’t be nice. In fact, it looks really distressing and it pains me to see you worked up over it.” Renjun sighs when he finishes. Jaemin blinks slowly. He then blinks a little harder with his left eye to balance everything out. The irony.

“I’m used to it.” He states simply. 

“But you shouldn’t be used to it.” Renjun argues. “It’s worrying me. It’s worrying all of us.” Jaemin taps his fingers together two at a time. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles. 

“Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.” Renjun rubs his thumbs over the back of Jaemin’s hands. He is extra careful to do it evenly. Jaemin exhales, feeling some pent-up tension dissolve into the air. 

Renjun’s fingers are slender and warm and much smaller than his own, making them perfect to hold. He wants to never have to let go. 

“Will you do that?” 

“Do what?” Jaemin asks, snapping out of his daze. 

“Seek help. Please.” Renjun repeats.

“Okay.” Jaemin says eventually. He leans back against his headboard and Renjun leans forward to peck his forehead. He does that a lot. The younger keens for the affection. 

“Thank you, Minnie.” Renjun smiles as he pulls away and Jaemin physically cannot retain his own grin. He bets he looks like a lovesick idiot but he can’t help it. His heart has guided him straight to Renjun. 

“I think I like you.” He blurts out. 

He slaps his hands over his mouth. Renjun only smirks. 

“You think you like me? So it’s not a certain, then?” He teases and runs a hand through his hair, which then bounces back down in all of its blond, fluffy glory. Jaemin melts. Renjun did it on purpose. 

“I like you.” Jaemin corrects himself. 

“Well, I like you, too.” Renjun responds. Jaemin’s eyes shoot open with shock. “Why do you think I hold your hand and kiss your forehead and look after you in the way I do? I thought you would have picked up on it by now.” 

Jaemin blushes and buries his face in the rabbit toy. He hears Renjun laugh, full and contagious, luring him to join in. 

“If I become your boyfriend, will you go and speak to a specialist?” Renjun asks, suddenly serious. It makes Jaemin drop his smile and stare at him. 

“What? You’d be my boyfriend?” His stomach somersaults and flies and flips all over the place and his hands shake where they are gripping the bunny around its middle. 

“Of course, Min.” Renjun replies and takes another hold of his hand. “Ignore the second part, though. You don’t have to speak to a specialist. But I really, really would like you to. I’d date you either way.”

“You’re my boyfriend!” Jaemin exclaims. His smile blooms across his face and he giggles, wriggling where he is sat. 

His mind is the clearest it has ever been. 

“And you’re mine.” Renjun says with a flirty eyebrow raising up and down and a smirk. 

“I like you.” Jaemin repeats. He needs Renjun to know how he feels. 

Except he didn’t say it right. 

It’s not the voice in his head which tells him that. But his heart. 

So he corrects himself. 

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not crazy  
> I’m not crazy  
> I’m not crazy  
> :D  
> Help


End file.
